guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize