in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
