You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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