Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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