I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize