I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My balls are so social today.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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