Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
