so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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