I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
