sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize