dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
