So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
