i was rollin on her like bob the builder
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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