She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
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