i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
