So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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