tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
