I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
