my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
