he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
