Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
