I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
