On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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