Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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