3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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