i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
