When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
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