so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
