sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
