I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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