he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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