I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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