every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
