First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
