Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
