Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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