Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Let the clothes fall where they may.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
