she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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