dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
