Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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