someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
