So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
