also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My cat gives me a boner
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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