I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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