Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
