How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
