I wish life had little blips of pornography
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You pole danced in your parka.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
