I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
