I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
What drink are we having for lunch?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
