I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
