I wish I could punch you in the face.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
