Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
