Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
