Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
