i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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