she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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