She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
