Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
