it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize