I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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