My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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