Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
