My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
