You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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