Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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