I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
