hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I love having hate sex.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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