see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
